Monday, April 6, 2009

really long post

This weekend seemed to fly by until Sunday afternoon rolled around. About that time, I began to feel a few more contractions per hour than normal (usually I have one to two/ hour). I didn't fret about it, rested on my left side, took a terbutaline, drank plenty of fluids, meanwhile emptying my bladder every 30 minutes (a full bladder can cause more contractions). And, at about this same time, I began to feel a watery discharge. Not a normal pregnancy discharge, but watery. Of course, having pPROMed with Coy at 23 weeks, this threw my head into a tailspin. I didn't want to call my doctor (although he did give me his cell phone # and said to call at anytime--is that how you know your a high maintenance patient?) because there were two things he was going to say: go to the ER or wait until the morning and come in. I don't like ER's and didn't want to go there. Not unless I really knew something was wrong.

One of my prayers this pregnancy has been, Ephesians 4:27 "and do not give the devil a foothold." If I allow it, my mind can really get the best of me. I start thinking about the worst case scenario and talk myself into dying; I'm sure some of you know what that feels like. Reading scripture, praying, and giving God all my fear/anxiety is that only way to calm my mind and nerves. It's a fight, a fight with the devil, and I refuse to give him my peace.

For the past few weeks, I've felt God speaking to me: '35'. I don't know why, but I can't shake that number. It's not made up by me, because I would have flopped that to '24' or something.

Last night I didn't sleep soundly, waking up at 2am to our smoke detector beeping every minute or so (from a low battery). I also thought I heard someone walking in our living room. Poor Chris, had to get up and check around the house to make sure the Boogeyman hadn't stopped by for a visit. When awake, I felt more of the discharge, felt another contraction or two, and then started to do the mind-racing thing. That's always productive at 2am. I knew I was giving the devil a foothold, giving him a piece of my peace. And I didn't like it.

Through my negative thoughts, I kept feeling '35'. And, again, it's not from me. I wouldn't put 'pregnant' and '35' in the same sentence. Especially not in the frame of mind I was in at 2am. I even tried to dismiss it like, "Okay God, I don't know if your talking about my sister's next pregnancy or something, but you can't be telling me 35 weeks is in my future." Especially not with ruptured membranes.

Eventually, I was back asleep, only to wake up again at 430 with a full bladder, more watery discharge, and another contraction. No Boogeyman this time, but still that darn, beeping smoke detector. Dear God, please stop the discharge and silence that smoke detector, thank you. Needless to say, when I finally got in the shower this morning at 815, I was groggy.

When I arrived at my OB's office, I sat calmly and waited with a room full of other pregnant women. But after waiting quietly for 45 minutes, I wanted to scream to the receptionist, "I am so scared my water broke, what the heck is taking so long today?" Finally, it was my turn and I did the same routine that occurs every appt: pee in a cup, weight check, and blood pressure measured.

After talking to the nurse, my doctor came in a few minutes later and my nerves were up to my eyeballs. I told him I was paranoid I was leaking amniotic fluid, and having more contractions than usual. He examined me, checked me cervix, and said, "it's not fluid, it's an infection." Thank you Lord! I asked him to repeat himself, what did he just say? You mean my membranes have not ruptured? Disbelief, shock, awe, thankful. God, you are so good.

Next came the ultrasound which showed baby girl has lots of fluid to swim in. I'm not sure why my body is more susceptible to infections right now (other than the fact that I'm pregnant and my hormones are out of whack). He gave me an antibiotic and said it should take care of the infection and 'discharge'. Awesome.

Then he brought up the 'H' word again. Hospital. As in, I'm going in within the next week and staying (hopefully) for the next 2.5 months. At that point, expecting I'll still be pregnant, I'll can go home for the remainder or stay in. As he explained to me, he can't predict the future and is not God, he'd much rather be extra, extra cautious and admit me rather than wait until things take a turn for the worst and it be too late. My thoughts exactly.

My doctor said the words "get you to '28' weeks" and I'll I could think was '35.' Again, I wasn't talking myself up. My human mind can't fathom being 35 weeks pregnant; what the heck is that like?

I don't know why, but I resisted being admitted today. I wanted time to think about it and talk to Chris. I don't know what there really is to think about: I know Coy is in the best hands possible, and therefore I have to focus on our other baby. I have to go in. After praying, talking to Chris and my family, I feel it's best to go tomorrow. One last night with my babies for awhile, and one last night in my bed.

(As a side note, our two precious Maltese dogs have both put themselves on bedrest as well. They lie next to me in bed all day long. Very sweet.)

Don't get me wrong, I knew this was coming. I knew from the get-go that I was going on bedrest at 20 weeks. I am not surprised or really even disappointed. I just miss Coy, but I know that this time away from him is only temporary. Just like the storms that rage in our lives or the deserts we walk through, they're only temporary. God will pull you through it, bring you to the other side.

So, in conclusion, please pray for my endurance, Chris's endurance as he becomes Mr. Mom in the evenings and on the weekends, to trust in the Lord, to not to let my mind race with negativity, for God to speak to my doctors and nurses, to give them wisdom. Pray that God has given me '35' as in '35' weeks and not days.

Pray also for our families--they are running this marathon along side us, whether they wanted to or not. We really could not do this without them. We simply could not.

I'll be sure to keep my blog updated. And 'tweet' often (my dad said the other day, 'what is that tweeter thing?' HAHA).

Love you all.

23 comments:

Devon said...

i would love to chat with you...maybe when you get settled in the hospital.

i had a 29 weeker who is 2.5 years old today. and twin 23 weekers who did not make it.

would love to chat about preemies, pre-term labor and what another pregnancy might look like for me....if you have the time, if not - no worries! but you can email me at robdevmikels@yahoo.com

wishing you all the best!

amy said...

Praying for you all the time. praying god flood you with peace and hold your little girl in the palm of his hand. your faith is so strong- I know you are an encouragement to so many. keep us posted on what we can be praying for!

RyanAndrew2007 said...

I'm praying for you.

Julie

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you and your sweet family...

Vicki Willis said...

Ann Marie, I'm praying that 35 means weeks! That would be so awesome! I know it will be hard to be away from all your babies---Chris, Coy, and the dogs---but I know you want to give this baby girl the best chance to get to 28 or 35 weeks. You and your sweet family continue to be in my prayers. Love, Vicki

Jennifer said...

Praying for 35 weeks and a long time in the hospital...as daunting as that might sound. I know that it has to be so hard to think about being away from your sweet boy, but you have the perfect attitude to do this. Enjoy your last night at home and then enjoy all the crushed ice you want! :)

LG said...

Prayers...

The Silva's said...

praying for you as always, God has given you the number 35 to put your mind at ease, He will bring you and your beautiful girl to 35 weeks!! You are an amazing woman Ree, I have been blessed to get to know you better this past summer. I know that God will not let fear overcome His glory for you!!! As always I will help where ever I can!

amyoutlaw said...

Ann-Marie - What a coincidence! I just know it means 35 weeks. I just posted last night or the night b4 how my g/f made it to 35 weeks after being in the hospital for 2 mths due to preterm labor. You can do it! I know the guilt of not being with Coy must be overwhelming....but did you watch Oprah today? That should've made you laugh!! Hang in there!!!!!

Amy

Elizabeth Myatt said...

I still check in on your family from time to time...know that you have my prayers. Hang in there...she'll be worth it-
Elizabeth Myatt

Meredith said...

Prayers your way...

Anonymous said...

You know God uses everything for good for those who love Him and are called to His purpose. This is you and your family. Trust in Him and guard against relying on what you know - which is so much about this situation - just remember, God is making your paths straight and will always walk beside you though this valley. My son, Cody, is a friend of Chris and keeps me updated. Many prayers have been lifted for Coy and many more are going up for your family during this testing. God has plans for your good and will not let His plan be foiled. Your faith is very inspirational to me and I am strengthened and encouraged by your wisdom.

the Mom said...

Ann-Marie, When the road looks too long to run, I have had these moments of insight myself and have never been given the wrong information. God is faithful to those who trust in Him. You already know that, it's just a reminder. When I am frightened for my children, I sometimes find that although my soul swells with the knowledge of God's goodness my flesh shrinks in fear.

As the mother of two saints and six in training, I know that fear and boredom often go hand in hand. Keep yourself busy and your mind occupied.

We love reading about your sweet Coy and were overjoyed to hear that he has a sister. We are all praying for you and your sweet babe.

God bless your whole family.

Allison said...

AnnMarie,

Still praying. Not that an infection is any fun, but I am so glad that it wasn't amniotic fluid. God is good. Hang in there.

Lauren said...

I literally sat at the edge of my chair reading your post. I got so worried when you said 'watery discharge'. I know that feeling all too well. Thank God that it's just an infection that the antibiotics will take care of. It didn't sound like your doctor was too concerned then, right?

Just remember, if you do have to got to the "H", that it's only for a short time, even if it is 2.5 months. Chris and Coy will manage. I know you'll miss little Coy but you will ALL be home together as a family of 4 soon...

I will pray for your endurance and strength.

Lauren

Anonymous said...

As I lay here on my bed and read your story...I can't help it but tears come to my eyes...I am 15 weeks pregnant today and on bedrest as of last wednesday after having a cerclage placed...this my 5th pregnancy...no babies yet but I have a feeling god's walking me though this. My longest was 23 weeks andi'mpraying forat least 28.....hoping god blesses us both with 35.

Sujheiry.

August said...

Ree, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. But I truly believe that God would never give us anything that we can't handle. You have been nothing but a strong person through your challenges with Coy, and now with your baby girl. I think about you daily, and you still are in my thoughts and prayers. You are an inspiration to so many - and guess what? You always have been! Even when we were in High School, I always looked up to you! On a funny note.... Remember when Coach Royer (spell?) said she was going to name her first child after you? haha! Sorry I wanted to throw in a laugh! P.S. We got your wedding gift in the mail - thank you for thinking of us!! Love you!

Anonymous said...

I have a friend who had twins at 23 weeks and that's how I came acros your blog. Please know that you are in my prayers. My prayer is that you make it to 35 weeks. May God continue to watch over you and your beautiful family.

Terra Herce said...

Anne Marie,
I am praying for you and your sweet girl often. I know you miss Coy and he misses you- luckily, he won't remember you being gone. It would be interesting to remember being so young, but there are definite blessings in not remembering! Keep up the good work!

Muggle Mom said...

hugs & prayers ann marie. :)

Anonymous said...

Anne Marie,
You are correct in that satan does put thoughts in your mind even though he can't read your mind. You are correct in countering your thoughts with God's Word, because that is the ONLY way to fight satan. God is NOT doing this to you, satan is behind it. Do you notice a connection in your life to your words? Things you say actually happening in your life? The Bible says that is the way it is - Proverbs 18v20-21, Matthew 12v37 - we are justified or condemned by our words and we have what we say. God put us in charge of the world (Genesis 1v26) and He allows what we allow (Matthew 18v18). God didn't put this on you to teach you a lesson or to get you back for something. God did not give you a spirit of fear (2Timothy1v7) but of power, love, and a sound mind. Your thoughts are important, as you think you are (Prov.23v7). Not all the thoughts you have are yours and you change your thoughts by your words. The power you have is in the words you speak. God put before us life and death and told us to choose (Deut.30v19). So we choose what goes on in our life, not God, based on the words we speak. Matthew 9v29 says that according to our faith it is done unto us. So we give God permission to work in our lives by the words we speak. He gave us a free will and He won't violate our free will or go against our faith. Faith just means we believe what God said because He said it, not because we see it, hear it, feel it (Hebrews 11v1)
I would like to chat with you through email if you are interested.
IPraiseGodDoYou@aol.com
I believe the 35 you got was for you to focus, think, concentrate on 35+ weeks for your baby girl so you give God something to work with.
I speak you will go 37 weeks in this pregnancy at home, not at the hospital. You stated you resisted going to the hospital. Keep on resisting it. I can speak this over you to give God something to work with, but it is like a gift, you have to receive it and begin speaking it and thinking it for yourself. Romans 4v17 says to call or speak those things that aren't existing as if they are. You are not denying what is going on in the natural, you are calling what you desire to manifest in the natural. We are speaking spirits just like God (Gen. 1v27) and in the beginning God saw darkness, but He said, let there be light. He didn't speak what He saw, He spoke what He desired and He got it. This has to be a new way of thinking for you (Romans 12v2). You are already on that track of thinking based on your posts. Do you pray in the spirit?
I'm interested in chatting if you so desire.
Lenita
IPraiseGodDoYou@aol.com

Anonymous said...

You truly are an inspiration to so many. When I read your blog, I notice first off, it is full of so much honesty and character. I dont know too many people that have shown that vulnerable side of themself. Even though we all have tribulations, you seem to have the wisdom at such a young age to cope with the situations you are dealt. I pray 35 weeks and more are ahead for this pregnancy and you. I dont even think you understand the magnitude that you help other people by your blog.

Take care and lets see this to 35 weeks and MORE

Emily Garrison-Grigsby said...

I know that the Great Physician is handling your case personally! I am consulting with Him regularly.

Love and Blessings, Emily Garrison-Grigsby (fellow nursing colleague from UT)

ps. “May you be encouraged in heart and united in love.” Colossians 2:2