Tuesday, April 29, 2008

a God of miracles

Just some of my thoughts tonight...and a recount of December 3rd, 2007.

We are so thankful for all of you who continue to lift our family up in prayer. I have felt this guilt lately; like I haven't thanked God enough for the miracle He has given us. I still look at Coy and am just speechless. He's just so beautiful and I just don't feel worthy of this blessing.

Chris and I were forced to make an unbearable decision in the days prior to Coy's birth--wait for my labor to begin and deliver him vaginally (which the doctors informed us he would most likely not survive), or do a emergency C-section if his heart rate dropped due to a prolapsed cord (it was pushed back in twice; they informed us a C-section was risky for me due to infection)...with the help of our families, we agreed that a C-section would be too risky for me, that we would be forced to allow my labor to progress. For the next day, my heart was so unsettled with this decision. The thought of Coy dying inside me, and having him stillborn was just absolutely horrifying. I begged God to not let this happen.

Then came the morning of Monday, December 3rd. The contractions started and they were strong and regular. On exam, my cord was once again prolapsed and Coy's HR was in the 40s. The two doctors looked at each other, then looked at us with sorrow in their eyes; I could barely bring myselft to make eye contact back; they said their condolences and that this was probably "for the best" due to his gestational age and severe prematurity. This was it; the most important decision of our lives was made a few days ago and we had to stand by it. Due to the "profound" risk of losing my life, we were being forced to let him go; we were losing him. It was a nightmare come alive; I kept thinking this could not be happening. The emotions inside me were indescribable. I remembered back to feeling him kick that morning. Now, I was frantically trying to remember what time that was; "Please Coy, kick mommy, please God."

We prayed with our families and began the unimaginable task of mourning the loss of our baby boy. We stayed in the room another 30 minutes before I was wheeled to L&D. In the halls were cheers and smiles, other families full of excitement and joy; I buried my head deep in my pillow. These were sounds I could not tolerate to hear.

Shortly after being moved to L&D, I received an epidural for pain, both the physical and emotional. The doctors and nurses worked quietly, they were sensitive and respectful of our loss. Chris and I were then left alone, to pray and mourn, I just remember asking Jesus to hold Coy tight for me, tell him how much I love him.

Twenty minutes later, the L&D nurse returned and asked a question I will never forget, "Do you want to check for fetal heart tones one last time?" (I was only spot checked while in the hospital) My immediate response was no, Chris said yes. I could not bear to hear silence on the monitor; that would make this nightmare real--that our baby boy was was really gone. After my hesitation, we agreed to check for heart tones "one last time." Then came the greatest sound I've ever heard; his heartbeat at 150 bpm. The decision we made earlier was one we could no longer stand by. As our families waited frantically at the door, we informed our OBGYN we had changed our minds, that we wanted a C-section. Within minutes, I was in surgery and Coy was delivered alive.

I re-lived the events of the day at least 100 times that night. Was I dreaming? Was Coy really alive? Did our God really just perform this amazing miracle? Coy is an absolute joy and I am still trying comprehend his existence. God is still a God of miracles; I am holding one now as he sleeps.

18 comments:

Vicki Willis said...

Anne Marie, I'm sitting here at work before my first patient reading your blog. I may have to go reapply my makeup now because of the tears in my eyes. What a miracle indeed. I guess I knew the basics of your story but not the particulars. You and Chris continue to amaze me with your faith. I praise and thank God daily for the miracles he has performed in Coy's life. And if you think you forget to thank God enough for this miracle, I'm sure He knows your are grateful and knows that you are VERY busy with your little man. Have a great day. Love, Vicki

Muggle Mom said...

he is a God of miracles!!!! what a beautiful entry. thanks for sharing your experiences with us. i don't know if you grasp the hearts that you have touched. thank you for allowing us into your family, into you heart.

nicole

Amanda said...

God is awesome in the truest sense of the word. I can't tell you how Coy's life has built up my faith. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Amanda said...

God is awesome in the truest sense of the word. I can't tell you how Coy's life has built up my faith. Thank you for sharing your journey.

The Silva's said...

I have tears in my eyes as I type this. I could not even begin to imagine what you were feeling then and how you feel now looking back. You are an amazing person and have such a strong faith, you and your family are an inspiration to us all!!!
Prayers are still comming your way, for healed eyes, no reflux, a happy healthy baby, and peace of mind for you and your family. Please let us know if there is anything you guys need!!

Lots of love,
Meg and the Boys (AJ, Jay and Jesse, my husband, who checks on Coy daily as well)

Anonymous said...

Tears....Hard to find words to describe what is in my heart. Thank you God!!!!!!!!!!

Reyne said...

The pictures are adorable! Coy is an absolute miracle!! Your prayers were definitely answered that December day. We pray that Coy will continue in the positive direction he is going. I remember praying that you would get to take him home one day - that seems like so long ago - and look at him now!!
Hearing the story of his birth again months later it is easy to see God's healing power, that day and every day since. You truly are blessed and have helped so many others with your story of love and faith. Give Coy a hug and kiss from us!
Love,
Reyne

Anonymous said...

You and your family are an inspiration. What amazing faith and even more what an amazing God we serve!!! I pray for total healing for Coy. God is an awesome God and I know He is taking care of your little guy! Coy is so lucky to have loving, dedicated parents. You are doing an amazing job! Stay strong in your faith. You are touching the lives of people you will never meet. Your family is a wonderful testimony of faith, hope, and love! Have a wonderful day with your little boy!!! He's absolutely adorable!!!

Robyn said...

Wow--thank you for sharing with us such a personal story. I'm crying as I read this. I can only imagine the depth of emotion you went through. I'm thankful to God for his great mercy and grace. I'm awed by his answers to our prayers. I'm still so in love with Coy that I can't stand it. I've made him my unofficial 4th child. :-)
Still praying for you, but with that feeling of peace that his years will be many and fruitful and his story a testimony to the Greatest Physician of all--Almighty God!

Sabrina said...

Hey Ann Marie and Chris- This is Sabrina Salathiel from CFHS (I graduated with Jenny)...I have been following your story and I just wanted you to know that I have been praying and have had all my friends and family praying from the beginning too. I never knew the actual delivery story- what an amazing day! Your faith has been an inspiration to me and so many others. Coy's continued miracles are a true testament to the grace of God. Thanks for sharing your continued journey. Sabrina

Anonymous said...

That was so touching and brave! I was fighting back tears as I read that entry!

Orlagh

Cherlyn said...

What a beautiful memoir... God is an awesome God. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! May God give you and your family health, happiness and material comfort and a very long life. People like you who believe in God and are
thankful to God, are the forts of
love and peace and humanity, in a life and universe where we are guests for a time, without knowing why. Your description of your giving birth to your child is a very valuable education to others-
young and old, women and men alike. God bless you and your family.

Prof.(h.c.) Askin Ozcan
Author of
SMALL MIRACLES
ISBN 1598001000 (Outskirts Press)
http://www.outskirtspress.com/smallmiracles

Melissa said...

If this isn't the greatest proof that God is in complete control of our lives, I don't know what is! The spiritual connection I felt, just reading your words, was indescribable! But that is God right there, completely indescribable. Thank you for sharing such a deep story. Your faith is such an inspiration to us all.

Mel

Swing said...

Anne Marie;

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face reading your story. I can't imagine what you and Chris have gone through, but I thank God that he's brought Coy this far; you are truly blessed with such a beautiful son!!

--Sara (Donna Kelling's stepdaughter)

Esperanza said...

I can't stop crying... that was amazing...sadness, happiness is all put together... God is wonderful and has it own misterious ways on working and make us feel loved. I know sometimes we complain a lot (tell me about it) but at the end of the day, we just give thanks to God for everything... right... just praying with a thankful heart to God everyday for every second with our angels... I still can not believe that I had Liam 2 years ago... and I have already forgotten how painful and terrible was my pregnancy or the delivery... it is completely erased from my mind... I just remember holding my baby, I know for sure, that is what you surely remember the most... feeling your baby, watching him getting stronger. anyway... We all are blessed ... I feel blessed for getting to know your experience with Coy. It helped me to value my family and everything that surrounds me...
We sent our love and big hugs to your beautiful family
Esperanza Orlando & Liam Penaloza

I am Trish Marie said...

That must have been a horrible day for you two. You have been so brave. Most people would forget to thank God. Most people would still be mad at God for putting them through this. You two are quite amazing.

~j~ said...

praising our God along with you and your husband for the gift of Coy.. truly has beena blessing in my life to stumble across your blog so many months ago and become part of this blog family across the country in prayer.
The Lord will use this for HIS glory, HE will use Coy as you continue to raise HIM to serve the Lord and it will be powerful.
I just watched my own son get married this past weekend and still stand in amazement at what God has done in HIS life since the moment we gave HIM to the Lord. I know the same will be true for you sweet mama and daddy.
God bless your sweet hearts for your faithful and unwavering faith.
with love,
julia