Saturday, December 29, 2007

questions...

today has been a tough day for me
I am having lots of questions; questioning why things happen like they do...everyone tells me "God didn't make you have Coy early"--well, why didn't he prevent it then? he knew it was going to happen, right?? I prayed everyday for a healthy, term pregnancy; why does a baby have to suffer? an innocent, sweet baby...
the bible says that it is God's will for you to be healed--we are praying for healing; praying, praying, praying...Chris says God doesn't give you everything you want...well God, I'm not asking for a new car or a job promotion or for the Texans to win the Superbowl, I want my son; I want my son to be free of pain, free of disease and illness...what gives? I don't understand....
this has been a tough week--we are exhausted, stressed; trying to find the time to eat and sleep
I have been reading God's word; feeling very hopeful, strong, courageous; knowing that God's going to heal my son; Coy will battle this and win--people always tell me how strong I am...really, me? I am not feeling strong tonight; I am not strong...just a mother in love with her child who would give anything and do anything for his healing...
People say "you are going to have weak moments..."; yeah, I guess so; weak moments...

I find peace in Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
so it leads me back to my faithful, hopeful optomism; trusting in the Lord
we must trust in the Lord; it's all we have...

below are the lyrics to "He's My Son" by Mark Schultz...awesome song that sums up my feelings right now...

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there

CHORUS

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son

10 comments:

Muggle Mom said...

(((((HUGS)))))

I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. I do have very strong faith in the Lord and His role in our lives. I don't know the reasons behind what you and your family are going through, but I know that God's hand is in it and He will carry you all through this in one way or another.

May His love bring you peace and strength.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet family.

Nicole

Ann Glowacki said...

Ann Marie,

I feel your pain... I wish I could say something that would make it better, that would help Coy heal and grow faster... There is nothing like seeing your sweet little boy so helpless and wondering "why"? I asked that SO many times. Why does my little one have to go through this when I did EVERYTHING in my power to have a healthy pregnancy??? It's not fair... It hurts, and my heart goes out to you. Your words sound just like mine when we were in the hospital. You have an amazing faith, and so many people are praying for you guys... just continue to believe that little Coy will be ok. He is under very good care. God is watching over him... and you. Take care of yourself too, get some rest. When we were in the NICU the nurses kept telling me that. However, It's very hard to get rest when your little punkin is in his isolette fighing to breathe. It's hard to do anything else. Just keep the faith... I'm sending you guys lots of hugs...

tasha said...

Ann Marie.. i wish i had answers. really, i do. i struggled with the same frustrations, the same thoughts and the same NOT knowing that is driving you crazy after my son died. and, it sucks. it sucks to have to accept that His will be done, whether it is the way you want or not. but, all i know is that i saw a healthy little boy that is fighting. i saw a family devoted to helping that little boy.. and while you feel like a helpless mother, i see someone strong.. someone with so much hope and so much faith.. and you are an inspiration to me. keep believing. God WILL do a miracle in Coy's life. i just feel it.

Father God, i just pray for this family. i pray that you give them the strength to make it through each day. i pray that you give them a lifetime of happiness and bliss with a healthy little boy. free of infection, free of doctor visits and free of any handicap spoken over him in these first few months Lord. I pray your healing touch on Coy, and Lord, i just thank you for giving others hope through Ann Marie's faith.
In your Holy Healing name,
Amen

Jenny said...

I think God gave me this psalm this morning for both of you...


O Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before
you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days long ago,
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have
done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirst for you like a
parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down
to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your
unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve
my life
in your righteousness bring me out
of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my
enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant. Psalm 143

I love y'all and my precious nephew so very much...

esperanza said...

Ann Marie, is esperanza, your neighbor. I want you to know that you are not alone. As a mother myself I cried every time I read your log. I can not help you but I want to borrow you someone who can. Maybe you don't believe in angels but I truly believe in them. I want to share a special archangel with you, his name is Archangel Raphael. He is the angel of health. I strongly believe that he can help you and baby Coy go through this rough path together and stronger. Please, you don't need to pray just to talk to him with your heart, as a mother explain everything to him... all your feelings... I know he will be there with Coy day and night, believe me, he will.. but you need to want him there. Think of him as a close friend and also tell him that in God's name you want him to be next to Coy at all times helping him getting through all. That you want him talking to him when nobody else is talking, encouranging and giving him hope. I know God is there with him. There is nobody more strong and wise that God. I just meant to give you a messenger that will keep you inform and strong when you feel that you are alone. Is someone closer that will show you that God is there with you, you just need to close your eyes and trust. He will help you and Baby Coy to see that.
Remember, Your family is in our prayers.

Todd Kolkhorst said...

Chris & Ree-

Wow, I couldn't hardly make it through that entire song. I've heard it before, but this was the first time I've heard it since coy has been alive and put the lyrics to his situation...
Wow, wow, wow.
You are truely strong if you can make it through that song and still be able to stand.
This is now my theme song for coy (that and cademon's call... There you go..)

When I asked for and deserved a stone
You broke and gave your body as bread
And even the stone that dropped down and rolled away
Spoke of the one who bled

There you go working good from my bad
There you go making robes from my rags
There you go melting crowns from my calves
There you go working good of all I have
Till all I have's not that bad

Melissa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jami said...

Ann Marie,
You don't know me but I got Coy's website from a friend. I have been reading all of your comments and I finally decided to write. My son was born at 24 weeks eight years ago. He is now a happy healthy boy but I feel your pain and I can relate to everything you and your husband are going through. I still have questions about "why me?" or "why my baby?" Even after eight years, I still grieve over his struggles and what he went through to survive. The only thing I can come up with is that it has made me a better mother. I appreciate everything he does so much because I know what it took for him to be here. I don't know why God lets these things happen except that I know that he won't give us more than we can handle. Take comfort that there are many that are praying for your family and Coy. If you would like to contact me via email, you can reach me at jrbmiller@comcast.net. Otherwise, I will be following Coy's progress and praying for your strength.

Melissa said...

Ree,
I'm sure there are a hundred people right now that wish they could give the perfect words or just take the painful waiting away. I know I do. My questions could never compare to yours, but I am questioning right now too.

I must admit I was pleased to read that you are finding peace in Proverbs 3:5-6. That continues to be my favorite verse in the entire Book. If only we had a constant wisper of those words every second of each day. It's your right to question, to be angry, to be thankful, to be sad, to be relieved and all at the same time. You have every right! It is so hard to see inside the frame of the picture when you are sitting in it. I will pray for your answers and for your peace tonight. God wispers to us in so many ways, so still considering that we live on God's timetable, I will pray that He shows you what you need to see right now. Please take care!
Melissa Williams

Erin said...

Hey Ann Marie, I don't blame you in the LEAST for how you're feeling. When I put myself in your shoes I feel like there is no way I could make it everyday...so you have the utmost of sympathy from me.

My Dad sends us prayers everymorning, and this is the one I read right before I read this post...

"Heavenly Father, thank You for Your faithfulness and strength at work in my life today. I choose to consider Your ability over my circumstance. I choose to trust You. I give You praise, honor and glory, now and always. In Jesus’ Name. Amen."

I feel for you sister!
Erin