Monday, May 12, 2008

mixed emotions

This past weekend was an emotional one for me. I was so thankful, sad, devastated, angry, happy; I was emotionally confused.

On Thursday evening, I learned that TWO people I love dearly are both pregnant; 20 minutes later, I found out the Lord had called baby girl McKenzie home. Her death was so quick, so sudden and unexpected. Being on the receiving end of one of God's great miracles, I had a hard time accepting that although our God gives, he also takes away. My emotions were suddenly all over the place; I was excited learning about my friends pregnancies, but then suddenly my heart was on the floor. Shortly after Coy was born, I was told by a Chaplain in the NICU that our happy and sad emotions are very closely associated. During Coy's NICU stay, my "feeling confusion" had never been so strong. It was literally, the best of times, but also the worst. I was elated, but deeply devastated; I was thankful, but down right angry. My "feeling confusion" returned this weekend. When Coy was in the NICU, I needed to be reminded that our God is always Good. In the wake of McKenzie's death, I was needing that same reminder.

I spent most of Saturday in mourning, thinking, trying to take everything in. I felt this guilt of having Coy; this thankfulness for him; this devastation for our friends who lost their baby girl; just shear shock of learning that she was no longer with us. I was never able to meet McKenzie, but became attached to her by praying and seeing her sweet face; witnessing her parents glowing when holding her brought back so many memories for me. Her mommy & I couldn't wait to get our babies together one day. She is so beautiful; she is now resting with the Lord. Please continue to keep McKenzie, her parents, family, and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

Mother's Day for me was bittersweet. I was blessed to spend the day with Chris, Coy, and our families, however, my thoughts and prayers remained with our friends who just suffered the loss of their sweet baby girl. I held onto Coy a little tighter, gave him a few more kisses, appreciated him more than before.

"...God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12: 10-11

"May my cry come before you, O Lord; give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise." Psalm 119:169-170

4 comments:

Melissa said...

Wow Ree, those are confusing emotions to have all at the same time. I have no doubt that you are trained well in your faith to know that that burden has to be given to the Lord. That is why He waits by our side. I remember that during a time I needed to be reminded that peace comes from God, I was given a verse in Mark, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (11:24) It reminds us that we do not have the human capability to hold on to those emotions for so long. He wants us to take the peace that He offers to us. I know it has been a few days since you posted this message, so I don't know what you are feeling right now. But just know that the Lord is looking down on you, and He is very pleased!

Love you!
Mel

The Connelly's said...

I remember you talking about Baby McKenzie and asking for prayers for her, but I missed what was wrong with her. I have heard of so many babies lately passing away and I tell you what it is a hard thing to swallow. I was fortunate enough to attend Ethan Powell's "going home celebration" (www.ethanpowell.com) and I still havent been able to get that sweet baby boy off my mind. It just makes me so sad for these parents. I thought of nothing on Mother's Day but of how his mommy must be feeling and what this day would mean to her after just loosing her son. Tears me up! I am blessed with 2 healthy babies, twins, Grayson (boy) and Payton (girl). I am like you, I held them a lil' closer and didnt get frustrated (as I usually) do when toys were all the place, food was thrown at meals, ect. Everything took on a whole new perspective. Those lil' things dont matter in the BIG picture. Have a healthy baby is all that matters. My heart breaks for the parents. I will keep Baby McKenzie's parents in my prayers. When you have a second, please tell me a little bit about her story and what her parents's names are. Baby Coy is my continued prayers, everyday!

Jodi said...

Sometimes I wish that I didn't know that any babies died. I struggled (and still do) between feeling anger towards God over losing Logan and being grateful for having my beautiful little girl. I don't know how God can perform miracles at times and yet leave one feeling so neglected at other times. After losing Logan, people always said "I'm sorry that you lost your son." One of my friends told me something that helped. She said, "Logan is not lost. . .we know exactly where he is. He is in the arms of our Heavenly Father. He is there with sweet McKenzie Reese and all of the other precious babies who seem to leave this earth way to soon. They will never be forgotten.

~j~ said...

Dear Annmarie,
have not stopped by for awhile but wanted to see how you and the baby were doing. I am so very sorry for all the sad news you have been getting. I am aware of the fact however that you understand to a deeper degree than most, the preciousness of life, and your beautiful empathetic heart will be a great blessing to these in need and the gift of your son and the miracle of his life a testimony to the restoring power of Jesus Christ no matter where we find ourselves. I am praying for these families and thank you for sharing their need with us to be able to cover them during this time.
Coy is looking so wonderful! Happy belated Mothers day to you.
julia