deep breath

I've been taking lots of those lately. Partly due to the fact that I'm so out of shape (after laying in a bed for almost 10 weeks), but mainly because I'm so, so thankful to be almost 28 weeks. It is just overwhelming.

Not everyday is a 'good day'....some days I am still emotional and have a hard time getting through. It's not that I'm not thankful on those days, but the pregnancy hormones, the 8 weeks of Magnesium, feeling trapped in this room, being human, and missing my boys all come to a head at times. Good news is that those days are fewer and father between.

Two of my favorite verses recently are Ephesians 3:20 & Luke 1:37, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" and "For nothing is impossible with God."
Whenever I have doubt or fear, when this journey seems never-ending, when I get negative and down, I take a deep breath and remind myself of these truths. What a relief to know God is good and always present to carry me through the hard days (and good ones, too).

I did something yesterday that I have not allowed myself to do the past 28 weeks. I shopped online for baby girl clothes! I bought her two cute little outfits from Baby Gap and two bows from Etsy. I literally had not bought her one thing....not a blanket, not a onesie, no furniture, or bedding. I have been waiting until I felt ready and finally this weekend, I was ready.

And, don't worry....it won't take me long to make up for lost time! I can shop with the best of them. Next on the agenda is a double stroller (anyone have one they love? recommendations? advice?), nursery furniture, and bedding. Oh man, this is gonna be fun! =)


Guess who came to visit his Baby sister and momma this weekend? This guy....

....my cuddle bug, snuggle love who loves to play in his sand box.

Thanks for all your love and support. I love reading your comments and emails! It brightens my day and gives me strength. We are so blessed.

Prayers and praise for 28 weeks! I will have a growth scan sometime this week; I will let you know how it goes!

27 weeks!

Today, on 27th of May, I am 27 weeks....Praise God!

I have been in the hospital for 7 weeks now. It seems crazy that I have not been outside since April 7th. (I will go outside soon...when I hit 28 weeks, that will be my reward!)

I have been missing 'everyday' life...riding in a car, running errands, taking walks, giving Coy baths and putting him to bed, going to dinner, going to church, etc. You get the drift. I use to get 'stressed' out with small things. That seems so silly to me now.

I am feeling so incredibly blessed that I am here not because I am terminally ill or going through a catastrophic life event. But because I am having a baby. I know that (or I think I will at least, no one is promised tomorrow) I will return to my life, my husband, my baby boy (with a new sister). Not that my life will be the same...it will be busy with 2 kids. But what a gift that is.

My heart aches for those who are here and their lives are turned upside down with tragedy. I hear the LifeFlight helicopter fly in and out all day long, everyday. I pray each and every time for whom ever is on there, for God to give them healing and peace.

I hope I never take the 'little things' for granted again. Kids fighting, a dirty house, laundry....I can't wait to return to those.

In other news, I have been feeling good...the past few days have flown by. I need to make it at least one more week; 28 weeks is a big milestone. But don't worry...I will not give up there. I will stand on my head if needed.

Many people have asked if I could possibly go home soon. Since we are taking things one day at a time, it will just depend on how I am feeling in a few weeks. Maybe at 30 or 32 weeks possibly....but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I try not to think that far in the future or get anxious about what tomorrow will bring. Each day is a gift and I am just thankful to be here now...still pregnant!

I am so grateful for all your prayers, support, comments, emails, and cards! They are so encouraging!

BTW, Coy is doing great. He is giggling, dancing, and having the best time with his Grandma's, Aunts, and cousins. He absolutely loves to play outside...in the sandbox, swinging, wagon rides. He the cutest thing on the planet. No bias, right? =)

Baby Sister is now....

Cydney Marie!

Yep, that is her name! She will go by Cydney and Marie is her middle name. We are really excited to have found something we both love! It took months of brainstorming, but once we put it together, it just felt right. I was thinking we would wait until she was born to announce it, but I can't keep secrets very well. And, now, if you will, pray for her by name!! Or, you can continue to call her Baby Sister too--God knows who you're talking about! =)

Oh, and if you don't like her name, please don't tell us. Believe it or not, I actually had someone tell me they didn't like Coy's name....after he was born! I know everyone has an opinion...and some people share them regardless if they should or not. Oh well, no harm done, we still love his name, too! =)

Praise God that I am now 26w4d. I am so grateful to be 'this far along' but still begging for more time. I am at peace knowing God has his arms wrapped around us and He knows the exact date of Cydney's birth. What an awesome feeling that is!

I have been feeling good, but getting more uncomfortable. I am always feeling full (of food) and I am SO, SO sick of this hospital cuisine. I mean, it literally takes all I have to eat sometimes. Part of the problem is that all I do is lay in bed--and therefore, don't have a great appetite. I am growing though--and I tried to take a 'belly pic' today, but it didn't do it justice. I'll try to get a better one another day!

Everything else is pretty much unchanged. I am still on IV mag and contracting 1-3 per hour. I told my doctor that my veins are getting mad at him; he said we 'might' switch to a terbutaline pump soon. Usually, the nurses get my IV on the first try, but when it was changed last Friday, it took 6 sticks and 3 different nurses! Needless to say, it hurt. Then the same morning I had my 3 hour glucose test (I still don't know if I passed that yet) and was stuck every hour for 4 hours to get blood. The blood draw doesn't hurt at all compared to IV's--and I'm really not complaining--I'd much rather be the one getting stuck than my daughter in the NICU. I cringe everytime I think about the countless IV's & sticks Coy endured; it literally breaks my heart. He is such a strong boy and I know God protected him when I couldn't. He is my little miracle and I couldn't be prouder of him.

And finally, just thought I'd share a picture of Cydney's first dress (it's size 0-3 months for reference)....!!! Isn't that the cutest thing ever?? Thanks Ann, Shawn, & Jaxson!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day! Thanks for all the prayers and love! We couldn't be more blessed!

test results

Just a quick post to say...

....my fFN was negative!
....my cervix is 3.7 without funneling this week!

Both are wonderful news, by the way!

I am in need in prayer of....

....I failed my 1 hour gestational diabetes test....(okay, I've stopped eating Starbursts & Skittles now)...and I have to take the 3 hour test in the morning.
....I have a UTI (urinary tract infection) that seemed to cause the problems earlier this week.

Thanks for all your love and support! We are so appreciative and grateful!
Oh, and pray God gives us peace about baby girl's name...we're working on it now...=)

bug

Sometimes when you're down, you get kicked. That's definitely how I felt on Monday. Awful. Just awful.

I felt like I was on fire, with the chills, and my body hurt all over. On top of that, when I went to the bathroom yesterday morning, I had a small amount of spotting. It was small, but nonetheless, still concerned me.

As the day went on, I felt worse and worse. Last night my temperature was 101.7 (with Tylenol in my system), and all I could do was lay in bed and close my eyes. Because of the Swine Flu scare, the hospital has a protocol in place that they have to follow if you exhibit 2 or more symptoms. Part of that protocol was putting me in isolation--which included moving rooms. Oh, that was not what I wanted to do when I was so weak I could barely walk to the bathroom.

Over the past 6 weeks, I've accumulated lots of things in my room---pictures, books, cards, clothes, toiletries. Thank goodness Chris was here to help; it took him forever to move everything. My new room is just like the other one, except that it's a negative pressure room so the air is filtered to outside the hospital.

I felt really silly being in isolation and sorry for my nurse. I told Chris last night that I was being moved from a 'regular cell' to 'solitary confinement'. Ha! I was praying it was not the Swine flu or the flu for that matter. Today they did the nasal flush test---and it came back negative! I was also tested for strep throat which was negative too. I'm still waiting on urine culture results to come back.

Thank God I am feeling better today. Who knows what hit me yesterday; hopefully, it goes away and stays there!

Yesterday morning, my doctor decided not to do another ultrasound because we didn't have reason to. Well, sure enough, I had a small amount of spotting shortly after he said that! He came back in, checked my cervix, which is still closed, Praise Jesus! He then he ordered another u/s. They couldn't get to me on Monday, which I was glad because I felt too bad to go anyway. And, today I was in 'isolation' most of the day, so I couldn't go regardless. I will have it sometime tomorrow along with the fFN test. Please pray these both look good! I haven't had anymore spotting, so who knows what it was--hopefully, nothing!

I'll update when I know test results! Thanks be to God for making it to 26 weeks. Now looking pressing forward to 26.5 weeks on Sunday....

(oh and I promise after this pregnancy is over, I will never use the words spotting, discharge, cervix, contractions, or infection again! =) I don't mean to gross everyone out...it's just hard to explain everything without being so specific sometimes...)

weekend update

It's Sunday again---now shooting for Wednesday which will mark 26 weeks!

I've had a great weekend filled with lots of visitors! Chris and Coy were here most of Saturday and Sunday; I swear he is growing up everyday (and by he I mean Coy)! He looks so mature now. I think over the past few weeks he's gone from 'baby' to 'little man'. Coy's development and eating have really taken off lately, too. He went from a picky eater to eating all kinds of yummy things; Grandma K has really worked hard at this. I am so thankful for all her persistence and dedication to my little man. He really has 'turned a corner' with eating and I am so grateful!

Coy started dancing this weekend--he will bend his knees and bounce up and down. He is the cutest! He also is walking while only holding on to someone with one hand. He is so close to walking on his own! He really is the happiest, sweetest thing on Earth. His laugh is so contagious and brings the biggest smile to my face and heart. Oh, thank you God for blessing us with our son. I don't remember life without him.

I am still hanging out--pregnant! Woohoo! Each day is such a gift. I may or may not have an ultrasound tomorrow; I need to talk to my doctor about the plans. Please pray that my cervix is unchanged (regardless if I have an u/s or not)! I will have another FFN test on Wednesday, please pray this is negative! Baby Sister is so active; she kicks and moves all the time. With kicks like this, I am wondering is she going to be a gymnast, ballerina, or soccer player?

love

my two loves visiting today....

25 weeks!

Here we are....at 25 weeks, Praise God! I am so beyond thankful, but still praying for many more weeks to come. I can hardly believe I've been here for 5 weeks, 1 day already. But whose counting, right? =) Time really has passed faster than I expected it to. One of my (mental) tricks is to break the week in two parts: make it to Wednesday, then focus on Sunday. Wednesday, then Sunday.

I'm still on Mag sulfate (2gms) through an IV (they change it every 3-4 days) and there is no plans to stop it anytime soon. I was told by one of Coy's Neonatologist (who came down to visit me; He is a brilliant man who was there during Coy's roughest days; I will forever be grateful to him) that there is a new study showing low doses of Mag in moms over a long period of time show reduced rates of CP (cerebral palsy) in preemies. I said, "Okay, there is another plus to having an IV for 5+ weeks! I didn't know that!" I am so thankful for all the wonderful doctors/nurses here who are so educated and researched; I am so well taken care of!

My body is so use to this medicine, that I don't feel it anymore. Thank God that I have 'good veins' and I'm not needle phobic. The nurses get an excited/relieved look on their faces when they see I'm not a hard stick and my veins are popping out from across the room. God provides, y'all!

My ultrasound on Monday showed my cervix was unchanged from the previous week---good news! Also, Baby Sister is approximately 1 lb 9 oz! That's 5 oz heavier than her Big Brother's birth weight. Isn't that unfathomable? It is to me...and I'm the one who gave birth to him!

Chris was here for my ultrasound and wheeled me back to my room afterwards (it's up one floor). I was teasing him saying, "Lets make a run for it! Take me to the zoo!" (it's across the street). He laughed, but steered me back to my room. I'm not complaining about being here; it's a blessing. I have so much to look forward to and I can't believe how far God has brought us.

For the first time this morning, I felt Baby Sister stick a body part (I'm not sure if it was a butt, foot, head, or hand) up next to my belly button. I had a tumor like lump for a good minute until she moved again. It was one of those pregnancy things I didn't experience with Coy--it was fun to feel.

I've been told that I'm in second place for 'the longest current stay' here on the Antepartum unit. My nurses have all been great (they even go get me Skittles from downstairs when I start craving them). And, so have the Food Service people, the Housekeeping ladies, the ladies who take my vital signs/change my sheets, etc. It's amazing how when we stop and take the time (or are forced to), the people we encounter in our lives bring such blessings; the people we would have never spoken to or thought we had anything in common with. Give someone the time of day that normally would not--you have no idea what joy it will bring to you both! By the way, first place for longest stay is currently held by a sweet friend who has me beat by 3 weeks--she is 28 weeks with twins. Pray for her to make it all the way to 32 weeks and beyond!

We are so thankful for all your prayers, emails, cards, letters, and love. We could not do this without you!

Before I go, can you pray for Coy to heal of his ear infections? He can't seem to get rid of the pesky red ears and the poor baby isn't sleeping well. He was started on a stronger antibiotic today and hopefully that will clear it up.

And, finally, sand anyone???

keep on keepin' on...

...that's what my doctor says to do.

I am praising God that I am still pregnant at 24w4d. It might not seem like that 'far along' to most, but to me, it's FAR along! And, I know, that each and every single hour/day God keeps me pregnant is such a blessing. I know I can do this...but only through Him.

I should have another ultrasound tomorrow. I say 'should' because if you've ever been in a hospital, you know they don't run on schedules! Please pray my cervix has not shortened anymore. Pray that Baby Sister is growing healthy & strong (we will get a weight estimate). Although it's not an ideal situation, it is a blessing to see her on u/s every week. I have more pictures for her baby book then I know what to do with! =)

In other news, Coy came yesterday (and today!)...and so did Sugar Pie & Dixie! My In-laws put them in a crate(they only weigh 5 lbs each) and brought them to my room! I was so surprised and excited to see them! They were perfect angels and didn't hardly make a sound! I know they are really confused as to where their 'mommy' disappeared to, so it was so good to see them! I wish we had pictures, but unfortunately, my camera battery died.

The picture below was taken last week when Coy visited. Chris had this picture blown up and it's now hanging on my wall (I took a pic of the pic using my iPhone...that's why it looks so bad). I love this little man so much; he was giving me kisses and then cracking us both up!

I hope everyone had a restful, relaxing Mother's Day weekend! I can't say thank you enough for your love and prayers. We are beyond blessed and grateful.

Until next time, I will keep on keepin' on....

prayer request!

Please pray for...

...a friend who has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Please pray for her complete healing and peace during this difficult time.

....Baby Layla Grace, a 17 month old, who was diagnosed with cancer this week. Pray for her to be pain free and for the total healing of the cancer.

updates and reflections

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support. We could not get through this without you and are forever grateful for your love!

I am happy to say I've been 'pain free' the past two days and felt MUCH better. My body is free of Vicodin and my head is un-fogged, whew!

The past two days have brought different concerns, however. Yesterday, while monitoring Baby Sister, her heart rate slowed down some when I had a contraction. I usually monitor twice per day for 30 minutes, but yesterday, I had to stay on the monitor for about half the day. They wanted to watch and make sure she wasn't doing this often, and thankfully, the rest of the day she looked better.

Today, I started having more contractions than usual, and at one point they were 2-3 minutes apart. I had my magnesium turned up to 4mg for an hour and was started on Indocin for 48 hours. Things have definitely slowed down tonight, but I am still contracting every 30 minutes. Please pray that these stop!

Also, it was confirmed that my cervix is indeed shortening with contractions. Basically this means that when pressure is applied to my abdomen during ultrasound, my cervix begins to open from the top. After released, it returns to normal. My doctor said it does look like I have an Incompetent cervix---something that was suspected, but is very hard to diagnose. Pray that my cervix stops shortening, that my cerclage holds tight, that my contractions stop, and that Baby Sister stays put for many, many more weeks.

Praising God for 24 weeks, 1 day!

I don't know why my body 'doesn't like being pregnant' or why pregnancy brings struggles for me, but I do know that God is using this experience to change me. And, for that, I am thankful. When your life goes on 'hold' you have lots of time for prayer and reflection. Laying in bed for the past 6 weeks, 4 of them in the hospital, has made me realize how excruciatingly thankful I am for all the blessings I have. But the scary part is, I've realized how incredibly selfish I have become as well.

I haven't lived like Christ.

I haven't served others unselfishly, I haven't lived on less to give to those who need more. We sponsor a needy child, I pray for others, we tithe at church; I always thought that was 'enough'. I did enough to rationalize that I was a 'giving and serving' person. But truth is, I wasn't. I was wrapped up in my own bubble of life floating around with my own self serving purposes. I am embarrassed and ashamed.

I do know that we will ALL face trials and hardships during this time on Earth; that is a fact. I also know that the world continues moving when you are standing still in the midst of pain and struggle. But I hope to leave here a changed person; a person that stops and stands with those in need. A person that gives of herself until it hurts and does it without hesitation.

Please, God, change me.

good news, bad news

First the good news: I can officially say I'm more pregnant than I've ever been, praise God! It seems surreal. Mentally, it was tough to get over that 'milestone', but I'm happy to be passed it!

Now for the bad news: mentally and physically, I'm breaking down. It's been 4 weeks of this (with many more to go, hopefully) and I already feel like a crazy person. Since my progesterone injection last Thursday, I've had unbelievable pain on my left side. It hit a bad spot--like a nerve--and I was in agony to the point of immobility. For that, they gave me Vicodin, which helped with the pain, but made me feel crazier than ever. And, after it wears off, I become nauseous, waddle my way to the bathroom, then throw up. Awesome, I think I'd rather suffer in pain. Heating pads, ice packs, Tylenol offered no relief at all. It is feeling somewhat better today, thank goodness, since I'm due for another shot on Thursday.

Another piece of bad news: I went for another ultrasound today and my cervix has started funneling some. In other words, it's beginning to open at the top. I am still waiting on my doctor to come 'explain' things and give me the official results. I will let you know when I hear from him tomorrow.

Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Pray that this pregnancy continues for many more weeks. Pray that God strengthens me physically, mentally, and spiritually. This is much tougher than I had anticipated and we are in need of your prayers. I suddenly feel like I'm in over my head.