a God of miracles

Just some of my thoughts tonight...and a recount of December 3rd, 2007.

We are so thankful for all of you who continue to lift our family up in prayer. I have felt this guilt lately; like I haven't thanked God enough for the miracle He has given us. I still look at Coy and am just speechless. He's just so beautiful and I just don't feel worthy of this blessing.

Chris and I were forced to make an unbearable decision in the days prior to Coy's birth--wait for my labor to begin and deliver him vaginally (which the doctors informed us he would most likely not survive), or do a emergency C-section if his heart rate dropped due to a prolapsed cord (it was pushed back in twice; they informed us a C-section was risky for me due to infection)...with the help of our families, we agreed that a C-section would be too risky for me, that we would be forced to allow my labor to progress. For the next day, my heart was so unsettled with this decision. The thought of Coy dying inside me, and having him stillborn was just absolutely horrifying. I begged God to not let this happen.

Then came the morning of Monday, December 3rd. The contractions started and they were strong and regular. On exam, my cord was once again prolapsed and Coy's HR was in the 40s. The two doctors looked at each other, then looked at us with sorrow in their eyes; I could barely bring myselft to make eye contact back; they said their condolences and that this was probably "for the best" due to his gestational age and severe prematurity. This was it; the most important decision of our lives was made a few days ago and we had to stand by it. Due to the "profound" risk of losing my life, we were being forced to let him go; we were losing him. It was a nightmare come alive; I kept thinking this could not be happening. The emotions inside me were indescribable. I remembered back to feeling him kick that morning. Now, I was frantically trying to remember what time that was; "Please Coy, kick mommy, please God."

We prayed with our families and began the unimaginable task of mourning the loss of our baby boy. We stayed in the room another 30 minutes before I was wheeled to L&D. In the halls were cheers and smiles, other families full of excitement and joy; I buried my head deep in my pillow. These were sounds I could not tolerate to hear.

Shortly after being moved to L&D, I received an epidural for pain, both the physical and emotional. The doctors and nurses worked quietly, they were sensitive and respectful of our loss. Chris and I were then left alone, to pray and mourn, I just remember asking Jesus to hold Coy tight for me, tell him how much I love him.

Twenty minutes later, the L&D nurse returned and asked a question I will never forget, "Do you want to check for fetal heart tones one last time?" (I was only spot checked while in the hospital) My immediate response was no, Chris said yes. I could not bear to hear silence on the monitor; that would make this nightmare real--that our baby boy was was really gone. After my hesitation, we agreed to check for heart tones "one last time." Then came the greatest sound I've ever heard; his heartbeat at 150 bpm. The decision we made earlier was one we could no longer stand by. As our families waited frantically at the door, we informed our OBGYN we had changed our minds, that we wanted a C-section. Within minutes, I was in surgery and Coy was delivered alive.

I re-lived the events of the day at least 100 times that night. Was I dreaming? Was Coy really alive? Did our God really just perform this amazing miracle? Coy is an absolute joy and I am still trying comprehend his existence. God is still a God of miracles; I am holding one now as he sleeps.