"Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well." 3 John 2
Today I woke up in "one of those moods" again. Frustrated, angry, confused, hurt....I knew it was going to be one of those "tough" mornings for me. I still have these every once in a while. I fall off the "grateful horse" and start sulking in the "what coulda, what shoulda" been. This is probably because my original due date (3/28/08) is fastly approching. I think about how pregnant I would have been/looked, how happy and excited Chris & I would be, how the nursery would be almost complete, how my baby showers would have been....I still feel cheated of this; cheated of the ignornat bliss most pregnant women feel. Many people ask me if my NICU nursing experience "helps" me cope and understand our situation with Coy; the answer is NO! My life is forever changed; my "future" pregnancies are forever different; I cannot and will not be one of those "cute" pregnant people who float around with bliss and glee. I don't have that option anymore. Not only have I worked as a NICU nurse, but Coy is surrounded everyday by the "worst of the worst". Not just preemie babies, but babies born full term, very sick babies...My head goes round and round with trying to diagnosis myself; why did I have Coy at 23 weeks? I had signs/ symptoms of PTL (pre term labor) but my doctor brushed me off, said it wasn't so; I saw her on a Monday, she told me "everthing looks great, see you back in a month.."; my water broke 3 days later; I have seen her twice since his birth; still, no answers..."no way to know..." So what happens next time? How is this possible in modern medicine? As selfish as it sounds, I am mourning the future along with the past...
So after our awesome church service today, I again felt God shaking me out of my pity party. I realize how lucky I am to have a son born at 23 weeks who is currently 9 weeks old; I understand the odds have been stacked against us tremendously; I realize what the future could potentially hold for Chris, Coy, and I....I chose to envision the future a happy one, full of joy! I feel God comforting me, telling me that all will be okay. Looking back, I was NEVER comfortable with my pregnancy (ask my coworkers & sister in law!)...I just could not relax; my instinct told me something wasn't right; everyone thought I was paranoid; I thought I was going crazy....God has a way of talking to us; we just have to LISTEN! He has my attention now; and I know he has your attention as well...
Now about Coy....he's doing GREAT! His oxygen requirement was between 32-40% today and he destated only a few times to the high 70s! This is awesome for me to witness because there were days when he was on 100% oxygen and desating to the 50s & 60s...
Daddy was able to hold him for 3 hours today! Chris was really overjoyed; to hold his son in his arms; he was just in awe of how beautiful he has become...
Coy had one of his awesome primary nurses today (& yesterday) who put clothes on him while we were holding him...today he wore his Camo outfit! Chris was telling him all about how they will go hunting one day...it was very sweet to see...
His feedings were increased to 23cc every 3 hours...they have increased his feeding time to 1 hour from 30 minutes because he's had some "spit up" recently...
He only has a few more days on antibiotics then his PICC line will be removed..
Oh yeah, he weighs 2 lbs 12 oz and is 14 inches long!
Please continue to pray for the complete and total healing of Coy. Some things we are in need of prayer for:
- for Coy to continue to tolerate his feedings without reflux!
- for Coy to not have any "oral aversions"
- for his lungs to continue to grow and mature
- for Coy's oxygen requirement to continue to decrease
- for Coy to tolerate lower CPAP settings
- for Coy's eyes to mature; for his vision to be perfect!
- for Coy to remain free of any infections...
I can not tell you enough how grateful we are for all of the amazing support and encouragement!
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16 comments:
I have felt the same way about what the future holds for more children. I too felt cheated of the pregnancy cutesy and showers, etc. but I look back and I wouldn't have it anyother way. This experience has opened my eyes to so many new experiences and I have met so many great people and most importantly it brought me closer to God! I will admit, I am VERY scared about having another baby but I know that God has a plan for us all and I know that he does everything for a reason. We hope to have another baby in the near future and I don't think I'll be able to relax or not be paranoid until I am over 28 weeks! Stay strong and you'll get through it...I promise. Always Tracey
oh my gosh, Ann Marie,
I couldn't even finish reading your post... your words are EXACTLY how I have been feeling/felt about my pregnancy that too was cut short (30 weeks)!!! I of course am extremely grateful and thank God every day for Jaxson and his health, but I felt robbed of a huge part of my pregnancy. I had my showers, but I wasn't pregnant and had to go "pump" in the middle of one of them! Like you, I had signs of PTL and my Dr. "brushed me off" also (by the way, who is your Dr.??? maybe we have the same one?) while I was walking around with ruptured membranes!!! ugh. Also, I too NEVER felt right my whole pregnancy and I felt like I needed to get things done early... I just wanted to let you know I feel for you....It is hard not to have those "what if" thoughts, it's totally normal and part of the territory I think. Any time you want to talk or vent, let me know... it is therapeutic! I do have to say it does get better with time... although I too will be very nervous the next time around.
On that note, I am sooooo thankful that Coy is doing well (and wearing clothes now! what a cutie!) and I keep praying every day for him to continue to get better! Keep your head up, I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you!
Ann (now I'm going to finish reading your post...)
Hey guys,
Just wanted to let you know what a blessing and witness you are. I know it's challenging, but we're all still here praying and will keep doing so!
Love from California,
Jessica
Dear Ann Marie,
I thank you SO much for your honesty! I have had pity parties myself but the reason for mine are because I will NEVER know what it's like to even be pregnant and never have the chance to look at a baby that looks like my husband and I - whether it's (even) a miscarriage, preemie, still born, or normal delivery. I guess what God keeps telling me (and I try not to hear sometimes!) is that I should be thankful no matter what. We all have our struggles - I'd much rather have your struggle than my empty womb and empty arm struggle with no hope! But, on the other hand, I am not sure I would be strong enough to endure what you do every day nor do I even come close to understanding what your trials and tribulations are. I am not writing this to judge you, but to thank you for sharing your struggles with us. Also, to thank you for showing that there is a God who created precious Coy and is there performing miracles for him. I don't and I am sure that you don't understand all the "Why" questions. I think if all women would get together we would see and realize we all have our struggles, heartaches, and shattered dreams, but some how God carries us through. My prayers are with you and your baby and your hubby as you continue to face the challenges, questions, and joys. He is an absolute doll ! In Christ's Love.
Every time you think about all that you missed out of in not having a normal pregnacy look at what god gave you. Even though he was early he's perfect and some women would go thru what you are going thru now just to have a baby of there own. God has a plan for coy and you and your husband. pray gods will on your life and if it is his will you will have more babie. Thank god Coy is doing good. Lots of love and prayer's Amanda
(((HUGS)))
it's okay to feel like that sometimes. as long as you don't dwell on it. you are an amazing woman and mother! you are a child of God and He loves you and your family! He will care for you every step of the way!
nicole
Ann Marie,
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you weren't able to go through the normal motions of pregnancy. I think anyone would really grieve the loss of that and be angry toward a doctor who didn't get it. It seems to me that you having days like this now - dealing with your grief as it comes - is so much healthier than stuffing it down and dealing with it two years from now. All that to say, you are a trooper and I know your Father is proud of you. He does not expect you not to have painful repercussions from this trial. It was great to see Coy in his camo outfit. I got teary thinking about Chris telling him about going hunting. How precious. God bless your sweet family today.
Love,
Amanda
I was surprised to read your blog this morning. If you could only realize how totally lucky you are to have Coy. My daughter in law gave birth to twins at 26 weeks and one died the following day and the other died two days later having been given 90% chance of survival. They should have been born around March 4. I know it is difficult being on your roller coaster but with a little bit of luck Coy will go on to be a fine little boy. My daughter in law lost her only children, we lost our only grandchildren. You must not let yoruself think negative. I pray for Coy every day and hope that he will get stronger and stronger
Ann Marie,
Please know that while I can't understand all of what you feel, I get a big part of it. After our first, my BP was up and came down, after my 2nd, it went up so high they were afraid of my having a stroke and dying. For my 3rd, there was a lot of fear I had to overcome. My BP went up, not as high, and I'm still fighting to bring it back to total normal (with God's help).
BUT--I found the most AWESOME book (it's the #1 bestseller in our church bookstore) called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. She is a woman who's been there done that (4 kids) and gives scripture, prayer and encouragement from herself and others. It changed my life. There's even a pocket sized book of the scriptures that you can carry with you all the time. It never left my side during pregnancy #3 and when we prayed before she was born, I really couldn't pray for her umbillical cord--I just cried and cried. Turns out, the reason she wouldn't engage and come out was b/c the cord was around her neck twice. She was fine and I'm fine, but I know God was protecting her and me the whole time!
So while I can't get all of what you feel, I understand enough to know that this book will make all the difference for you!!!!!
Still praying daily & round the clock.
Robyn
Ann Marie I must say until you are in your shoes no one and I mean no one would understand how you and Chris feel. The time I have spent with you in the hospital has changed me and I can just imagine how you both have changed. There are so many emotions you feel right now. Guilt,Sadness,HELPLESSNESS,Happiness, laughter, and praise to Jesus for saving Coy from Death. He is a miracle and just a few people realize how close he was to not being here. I am glad you got these thoughts off your mind. You are a strong and Courages COUPLE. We love you so much and can not wait to hold our little Coy Boy...Ha Ha. Remember you are the chosen one to have our little man. You were hand picked to bring him to us.We love you . Mom
Ann Marie...
You are so strong and so positive all the time. You are entitled to a pity party whenever you feel like it. You are only human. And I think you and Chris have shown more strength than most people can even imagine.
Coy is just the most beautiful little guy!!! I can't wait to meet him. And for him to meet Charlie, too. I love his camo outfit, sooo cute. He and Daddy will be hunting buddies soon for sure.
Also... when I was little I was a patient of Dr. Hittner's for over ten years! She is awesome! What a small world. She will take good care of sweet baby Coy.
We are thinking of you and praying constantly,
Ashley (Hayes) Farrell
Ann Marie & Chris,
I read your blog first thing every day because I feel the pain you are feeling. My son was born with severe damage to his right hand and arm. We are members of Kinsmen and his name is Zachary so you may have seen him. He has learned how to cope with the use of one hand. He was also diagnosed with an extremely rare fatal disease when he was in eighth grade so I can relate to the doctors telling you they don't know what will happen.
The reason I am telling you this is because you have so much JOY to look forward to. Regardless of any health issues Coy may face, he will continue to beat the odds and inspire you with his strength. Zachary has been an inspiration to so many and I know Coy will be also. You and Chris have such strong faith, I am sure that is why God has chosen you to have such a special child!
You continue to be a part of my daily prayers.
Darlene Menk
Hi, I hopped over from Baby Bangs and I began reading Coy's story. Please know that my family and I are praying for you and your family. The Father has amazing plans for Coy and I cannot wait to see how He works.
Always praying,
Ashley
I am the mother of a preemie born almost 19 years ago who went through what you are experiencing.
Let out any negative feelings you have now and they will pass, you will be a better mother for expressing and not stuffing them. Your grief is completely normal and healthy. When my son was born in February of 1989, they had counselors for the families of preemies at the hospital - maybe yours does?
Something I see and admire from your blog is how you are focused on enjoying and experiencing everything now - that is all we can do - there are no guarantees even when a baby is born full term. Those of us with preemies learned that lesson early. At some point you just learn to put your children in God's hands or make yourself crazy with worry. My baby we took home at 4 lbs is now 6' and 150 lbs - and very healthy!
I did go on to have 2 more pregnancies, both full term and very healthy babies - and now strapping teens. My first OBGYN responded the same as yours when I told her that I thought something was wrong - that everything was OK,and I was an overanxious first time mom. Well my water broke that night and my son was born an hour later...
Even though I was afraid to get pregnant again, it took me 2 years before I was even willing to try, once I was pg, I felt very calm and knew that everything would be fine - and it was. I finally got to look pg (I never showed with #1) and have all of the fun parts of pregnancy. I have several friends who had the same experience.
May you and your son enjoy many blessings!
Ann Marie..I try to check on your posts everyday... Eventhough I never went through something as hard as you, I got to say that I perfectly understand the way you feel... My pregnancy was aweful... I totally hated it.. so much that I am, honestly, scare to death on getting pregnant again.. but you know what... you made me think how awesome is to have faith... It makes you strong...and wise.. and today you are ten thousand times more wise and strong than you were just a couple of months ago.. so you see... you are, by God's will, a better person for your baby... who chose you and Chris to be his enrire world... Just hang in there...you are certaintly... an inspiration for lots of people... including me...
And remember... we pray for Coy, for Chris and for you EVERY DAY...
Esperanza Orlando & Liam Penaloza
AnnMarie, if I may please address annonymous...pregnancy is not an option for my husband and I yet we have the honor of raising two (now praying for a third!) children thru adoption and what a blessing that is! My daughter looks nothing like me yet she is so much like me it is unbelievable. My son does not resemble his dad yet they both have the coolest zest for life. Pray and ask God about opening your arms to a baby thru adoption, the joy is immeasurable and in time the sadness of infertility (no matter the cause) dissipates as you experience the joy of first steps...potty training...homecoming. I will be praying for you.
AnneMarie, you sure are entitled to your pity party, no one wants to go thru all that you are. You are handling it with such grace. Coy should be very proud of his mommy!
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